On Process: Waiting for Workshop

Fact: workshop causes anxiety.

Anytime you create something then ask people for their honest opinions, a certain amount of anxiety is involved. As you repeat this process again and again the amount of the anxiety diminishes but it never fully goes away.

It might reduce down to such a low level that you can look people in the eye and say I'm not worried, and you might be putting up a good front or you might honestly believe that you have no fear because the anxiety about workshop is so minimal that it has fused with the regular anxieties of day-to-day life: did I turn off the oven? Am I going to have clean underwear for tomorrow? Did anyone walk the dog before we left?

Then, if you're me, after you've reduced your workshop-anxiety down to the level of clean-laundry-anxiety, you go and write something different from what you've written before. Because it is different you can't anticipate the reception it will be given at workshop (being able to anticipate made you able to not worry previously). You won't know if you are out of your comfort zone or workshop is out of its comfort zone because the whole thing has so many variables that it has blurred into one giant mess. You will then re-initiate the old process of waiting for workshop.

First -- after doing everything you can (within the time limit) to finish and polish your story -- you continued to work after the time limit to further finish and further polish your story. Took a deep breath. Shrugged. And sent it off.

In the days between submission and workshop you decided the story wasn't all that bad. Then decided it was pretty good. Then decided it was awful. Decided everyone would make little happy noises as they read it. Decided you were going to get pigeonholed by your choice of material and/or conflict. Decided you were going to get your ass handed to you. Imagined the things people would say as they handed you back your ass.

Next you decided that you wouldn't let them hurt you by declaring that you didn't like them before they could do damage. Decided that you should be more open minded. Tried to be positive and think the best of people ... but being positive made you feel like a fake.

Stopped thinking about everyone. Started thinking about a larger project. Built castle in the sky. Started construction on castle. Got side tracked. Made popcorn. Found this guy's book with sweet ass comics in it. Loved this guy's book with sweet ass comics in it. Read No. 11 and said Rah! Rah! Yeah!

11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.

Then stopped. Couldn't figure out if you were avoiding or standing out. Went back. Reread. Worried.

Read No. 12. and forgot about No. 11.

12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.

You accepted the pain -- no, accepted the pain-yet-to-come. Rethought it. Decided acceptance was stupid. Rejected the pain-yet-to-come. Accepted it. Ate more popcorn. Kicked the cat out of the office because she kept trying to tip over your waterbottle. Sketched blueprints for castle. Wrote blog entry. Read blog. Read blog. Read more of guy's book. Read physical book. Went to bed. Stared at dark ceiling. Thought some more. Though negative thoughts phrased positively and wondered if that was enough to improve your Karma. You have rotten Karma lately. Thought about ways to improve your Karma and whether or not they could be done over the internet because you can't go anywhere tomorrow until you get a load of laundry done because you have no clean underwear for tomorrow.

Done with the Mailing

... 434 envelopes later the mailing is done and ready to be sent out ... once we get the cat out of the crate that is ...

On Process: Writing

I'm on deadline. Again. This one is an editing/revision deadline. Earlier in the month I went crazy over a workshop deadline because I didn't have a story finished and nothing I'd started wanted to let me finish it ... so I started over from scratch.

My writing process is usually quite organic. When I'm on a deadline it becomes a matter of manic work and some grocery store preparation. I lug home a brown bag full of "study food" which, for me, spells comfort and concentration. Gummy bears, sunflower seeds, coffee (of course), chocolate covered raisins, apples and peanut butter**, and liters and liters of Diet Dr. Pepper.

Everything else I can negotiate on -- location, atmosphere, the cleanliness of the kitchen, the flavor of the coffee, even which snack foods are purchased -- but the Diet Dr. Pepper is nonnegotiable.

What is your writing process? Is it an activity or a place, or is it a collection of goods?

**Ten points to the person who posts the name of the TV show whose characters work hard fueled by apples and peanut butter. (My dad got this right away so it's not that obscure, but I will hint that the show is off the air now.)

Debating ...

I'm currently in a quandary as to whether or not to keep my website in addition to my blog. With the addition of Blogger.com's "pages" feature I can have some of the static pages attached to my free blogger account which pretty much eliminates the need for the static pages on the not-too-often updated website of mine.

I do, however, love the clean lines of my website -- I'm skilled enough to create a website from scratch with a few photos from my digital camera but I'm not skilled enough to design a layout for Blogger (their pages are much more sophisticated than mine) that embodies that same design.

My "pages" are a work in progress but I'm working to use them to get rid of some of the sidebar clutter I've accumulated. Including the link list I plan to put on one of the pages for blogs that I love but really don't get updated often enough.

If I lose the website I'd not have to pay for the hosting, I could however retain the URL and have it point to the blog. I'd like that. The blog gets way more hits than the website does and I'm not surprised by that. The blog is the most dynamic part of the whole enterprise. Its content is regularly updated and it is the part that I promote not the static website.

I think that description should be enough to do it: I keep referring to the website as "static." If there's one thing I know it's that static sites do not live long on the internet. So do I cut the dead weight?

Pondering an untapped criminal market.

Fabulous post by steampunkish author Gail Carriger on seeing her first book on store shelves.

And over at Writer Beware a listing of people who have done research on first publications and novel advances in different genres. Particularly fabulous was the survey and analysis done by Jim C. Hines; Hines set out to debunk as many myths and "pieces of good advice" as he could. I love people who analyze "good advice" rather than take it blindly. Stubborn, reticent, free thinking people of the world unite! ... then again I don't really know Jim C. Hines all that well so maybe I'm just talking about me.

Of course, none of this data is as good as it could be ... but as good as it could be would mean large houses releasing their payscales to the public and that ain't gonna happen any time soon honey. We'll have to deal with second best until then.

Ad of the Week

Why would I ever spend money on those other guys when what I really want is a paper towel that sings to me.

Contemplative

New possibilities make me contemplative. It's easy to spend all of my time wondering what could happen if I succeed, what could happen if I fail, and not actually spend any time doing the thing I'm wondering about.

[image credit: Huge MacLeod]

For Whom Do You Write?

There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read.
G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

To turn it around and think of it in terms of the writers writing those books not the readers reading them: Do you write for writers or do you write for the masses? Better yet, do you want to write for the man who wants to read a book or the man who wants a book to read?

My lit professor has repeatedly posed this question rhetorically to our class. She's not a writing professor but a literature one but her implication is that this difference in intention is the crux of the matter for writers and therefore a difficult decision. Is it?

Around the Web

I may or may not have mentioned on this blog that I'm also working on the Third Coast magazine blog. I am very excited to have our latest feature up and running (at last!): literary guest bloggers!

Our first guest blogger is Erin Fitzgerald who writes the blog "Rarely Likable" and edits the Northville Review. She's written a lovely post for Third Coast about how (and where) to jump in to the world of literary magazines. It's chockablock with links to databases, sites and services for writers looking to learn and publish -- some of which I'd never heard of! (Very thorough.) Below Erin's guest blog entry is also a review of her short fiction.

I'm in contact with other writers/bloggers about future entries but, by all means, let me know if you have a nomination or suggestion.

The other nice thing that is going on over on the Third Coast blog is a series of monthly post by one of our fiction interns Nathan Norton. He's writing about some of the pitfalls of writing that he sees while reading slush and how writers can avoid them.

Perspective

This is my coffee table. More precisely, this is the ten inches above my coffee table which is, obviously, occupied. Behind the books you do see are more books you don't see.


The table top itself is really freaking sweet. I found an old printer's typeset drawer at Treasure Mart in Ann Arbor, cleaned it up, got a piece of glass cut to fit it and rest the whole thing on top of two footstool/seating "cubes." The drawer has all these fabulous compartments in it which create an awesome geometric design ... when it's not covered that is.

I haven't been seeing much of that geometric coolness this semester.

Usually it's just my end table that gets treacherous.

I could do with some more shelving but floor space is limited and I'm hesitant to spend time adding shelving to the walls (finding the studs is more of an art than a science in this apartment) when I know that I've my time in this local is limited.

What these photos don't detail is the envelope stuffing process that has taken over my floor/coffee table between when the pictures were taken and when the post went up. I have about 400-500 SASE that need to be stuffed with replies from the Third Coast contest. I've probably stuffed upwards of 150 today.

BTW I am in love with envelopes that you don't have to get wet to seal. Sealing the traditional envelopes with a sponge is proving annoying slow and only about 75% effective.

And finally, for perspective of the current workload, I give you books and fluffy cat.

From the email in-box

Recently I received an email from someone wanting to advertise on my blog.

Hi Eileen,

Hope you don't mind me getting in touch. I wanted to let you know about a campaign we’re running for [company name deleted], promoting their new ‘[product name deleted]’ drink in a hilarious video featuring monkeys’ anal glands and lizards’ balls… need I say more?

No, you don't need to say more. In fact, please don't say anymore.

The email continued on with about another eight or ten inches of text which I didn't read before deleting. But I was left with many unanswered questions which I will now pose to the universe.

(1) What about my blog made you think that I'd promote a non-coffee drink? (and btw I blog about things I like, not things people have asked me to promote)

(2) What about my blog made you think that animal genitalia really cracks me up?

(3) Why would anyone want to associate the beverage they're about to consume with testicles?

What 40 Bucks Gets Ya

A pair of black flats and a cat toy. (Shoes not pictured.) I've worn the shoes once so far. However, the bag, I mean toy, has been good for four days of non-stop entertainment.


Back to real posts -- you know, ones with words not just pictures and videos -- later this week.

Ya know? Poem: typography

Typography from Ronnie Bruce on Vimeo.

Ad of the Week

I loved Soulless and can't wait for Blameless and Changeless to come out. I even re-read Soulless last month. *fangirl-squee!* And additional fangirl noises are required for this video due to it's awesome photoshop-ness.

In other news the new version of Microsoft Word is still annoying. Yes, I'm getting used to the format being bizarre and forcing me to be a spacial/visual person while I type motherfriggin words (why can't they keep the lists and keep me from jumping from one side of the brain to the other to complete a simple task?)

What did Word suggest to me today? It took the sentence "... until the doe came to life and fed from his hand" and suggested I change doe to dough. Monster loaves of Frankenstein, I guess.

Friday Fluff

More Videos at IGN.com

Loved this.

This is why I'm going to grad school

This notion of lyricism is part of the reason I'm paying money to get a degree in writing: a few years ago I thought that was artful.

(Please, read the post linked above -- it's short -- but resist the impulse to read the comments, they're inane, asinine and repetitive in not only syntax but in sentiment, which means that none of the first dozen commenters realized they were committing the error both intentionally and unintentionally therefore destroying any achievement of wit on their parts.)

There have to be well regarded novels out there that pull of that kind of shit in the extreme -- otherwise we wouldn't all think that it was how we should write when we want to be poetic. And there's the fact that that sort of repetition works in oratory, particularly when you're attempting to hype up a crowd. So talk about mixed messages -- we're allowed to take it in but not allowed to produce it ... kinda like when I wandered into the bathroom when I was four while my father had his head under the sink trying to fix the drain and walked back out saying well shit, shit, shit.

There's a lot of reasons I'm in a writing program that fit under the umbrella of "I want to learn to write well." And one of them is nuance and subtlety in phrasing and prose styling. (Trust me, I'm still a student, but I'm trying.)

"Prose styling" -- now there's a phrase I never would have used two years ago.

I looked at Nathan Bransford's post and thought this is atrocious, but I know ways that I could rework this to keep the same feeling and lose the pretentious, seasick feeling that comes with reading it. Then again, it would have to be earned, and you can't earn anything in 250 words. I'm in grad school to learn how to think these fixing sort of thoughts.

I'm also in grad school because, as I mentioned above, reading widely isn't enough for me to learn what to do, when to do it and why it's sometimes better not to do it -- just like listening to what everyone around me said wasn't enough when I was four. I need someone to plod through the murky details of things with me. To have a discussion. To inform me. To lay down some boundaries and some conditions which I can apply to situations so that I can determine for myself when it's best to wander around muttering shit shit shit.

Small Press Month

March is small press month. And I've already managed to miss the publishing talk in my area.

Slightly Kinda Definitely Freaking Out

Don't ya love deadlines? Don't you love leaving everything until the deadline? Don't ya love when all of your deadlines overlap in a way you hadn't anticipated?

I'm behind. I took spring break to get ahead on a project and that means that I'm behind on everything else. Dear everyone affected: sorry.

(or is it effected? damnit, I always get them confused)

I have a story due for workshop this week. Since I knew I would be submitting it I started working seriously toward the submission a couple weeks ago. I started working and reworking two amorphous ideas hoping to bring them from notes and scenes to full fledged stories. I tried to plan ahead, honestly, but neither one of them was really speaking to me, so I tried a third idea but it reminded me of limp celery that had been in the crisper for a month so I tossed it. Tried to revive ideas one and two -- this brings our time line up to this past weekend -- idea one has no discernible plot and idea two gets on my nerves.

Which reminds me, I'm reading The Age of Innocence and I'm pretty pissed that I'm on page 70 and there's still no discernible plot. There's a shit-ton of dinner parties but no plot. Come on Edith Wharton, why ya gotta be like that?

So on Monday I freaked out and went for a walk. Obviously whatever I was doing wasn't working so I needed to zen-out and channel Natalie Goldberg. So I wandered off to "fill the well," which was great because I got a nifty little idea. Problem: I have to write said idea within a sever deadline. Hoo-boy.

Then I go and read this and I'm like yes! yes, that's me! that's what I'm doing! It's not about a lack of ideas it's ... it's about other stuff and

Maybe you feel a little self-loathing too, as if you gave up on a new year's resolution you'd really hoped would stick.

Not maybe. Definitely.

Early March

Temperatures are steadily in the 40s -- 50s even! -- during the day. The sun is out and making things seem warmer. The trees are budding. There's some snow, but it's hanging around in dregs, like washed up seaweed. I've taken the plastic shrink wrap off the windows and the cats are loving having open windows to sit in even if it's only for a few hours a day. The winter has been wet, warm and short -- sure indicators in Michigan that something is wonky. Early March should mean ice storms. We should get snow on Easter that closes school down the following Monday.

Ad of the Week

I'm on a horse. LOL.

How long does it take a cat to eat her body weight in kibble?

Answer: approximately nine weeks.

I would have never discovered this (or bothered to count) if not for the fact that just after Christmas I went hunting for cat food and (for reasons too inane to recount) came back with a twenty-two pound bag of kibble -- the combined weight of both of my cats.

There was something very strange about measuring cat food in cat-weight. Almost like I was buying cats for my cats to eat.

Nine weeks later the strangeness has ended, the kibble is gone, and in another day's time it will find itself completely processed. In the meantime, I have to go shopping.

TIBAL: What's the Value of AWP?

What's the value of going to the AWP conference?


First things first: what is the AWP conference? The AWP conference (or just "AWP" as many people call it, making no distinction between the organization itself and the actual conference) is a four day meeting put on once a year by the Association of Writing Programs. It usually happens in the first five months of the year (the academic spring semester), and each year it changes what city it's located in -- although someone on the planning committee seems to have a love of Chicago in the bitter cold of February because they return there with some frequency.

The Association of Writing Programs, technically the Association of Writers & Writing Programs, is a 40+ year old organization that grew up out of the attachment of creative writing to the academy in America.

The value of the conference is that it draws in such a large chunk of the community. Where else can you hear a dozen amazing writers read in the same place within three days time? And you'll know that you only heard a dozen because you couldn't be in two places at once listening to even more great writers read.

For me it's that the conversation about writing and teaching and publishing is taken out of the small academic group that I am a part of during the rest of the year, and opened up to the community at large. I found that every day I'd attend one panel that was a complete dud of a discussion; it didn't address anything that I was interested in. This number appears to stay constant no matter how many panels you attend in a day. Attend one and there will be one dud. Attend five and there will be one dud. If you get to enough interesting discussions you'll find something that really gets you thinking -- and you'll leave AWP with the best thing you possibly can: ideas.

The "old" image of the conference is that it's where poets get drunk and sleep around. The cynics still uphold this view. Then again the cynics seem to go only to one or two panels, say that they hate the panels, attend a couple of readings and then hang out the rest of the time in the bar. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place, but everywhere I looked the energy was decidedly more focused on the literary than the sexual. There were still quite a few people doing their best to uphold the image of writers as alcoholics, but as a whole the atmosphere fairly buzzed with purpose: like the airport terminal meets the industrious hive of bees.

Are you going to AWP?

This could almost be a Things I've Been Asked Lately blog post as it does seem to be the question du jour.

And my answer is yes. Maybe not. No, definitely no. I'm thinking about it. Yes.

Sheesh I've waffled a lot on this one. Thankfully my early "yes" stage was when I made reservations which I did not cancel through all of my "no" stages.

The AWP conference will be in Denver this April, and I will be there.

I had a great time last year at the conference when it was in Chicago, and this year not only will I be a repeat marathon panel attendee (I'm a lecture junkie) but I will be sitting the booth for Third Coast magazine. O bookfair, how I dread thee.

Last year I had the advantage of having lived just a few blocks from the conference site and therefore knowing quite a bit about the neighborhood and where to find things and how to get around. In Denver I'll have no such advantage; I've never been to the city. True, at a conference you really have no need to stray more than a few blocks from your hotel/conference center but I just adore having insider information -- I can't help it.

However, I'm quite curious about Denver. My family lived out west for a handful of years but I was far too young to remember it well. I do remember being able to see mountains out the kitchen window when we lived in Salt Lake City. Mountains, even then, held a majestic appeal. I'll have to see if I can find any time or any reason to explore Denver while I'm there.

So, are you going to AWP?

Well that was awful

On Friday I knew I was getting sick but I thought it would pass quickly. I was wrong. So, after spending my entire weekend sitting up both nights in an arm chair so I could breathe, slipping in and out of sleep but never sleeping more than a couple hours, and wandering around the apartment by day with a roll of toilet paper because I ran out of Kleenex, I am finally feeling better.

More than anything I'm annoyed that I lost the entire weekend. No, I didn't have big plans, and yes, the weather was awful those three days I wasn't feeling well -- but I could have gotten so much work done! I could have been researching! or reading! or writing! But it was all I could do to concentrate on mindless TV.

The good news for me was that they were running a lot of movies and then Olympic coverage. I felt absolutely no qualms about falling asleep half an hour into You've Got Mail and waking up again when Meg Ryan attempts to meet her internet man in the cafe. Nor was I upset to fall asleep during the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. I just wish I had stayed asleep through that odd parade-like presentation with the giant inflated beavers with "made in Canada" stamped on their butts circling the Mounties and canoes and the mermaid women who kept opening and closing their maple leaf appendages in a vaguely sexual but definitely disturbing manner.