If I had a band ...

If I had a band, we probably wouldn't be named the Crown Prosecutors. But following these guidelines, that's my band:

1 - Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days...(tharr be more)”. Third pictu...re no matter what ...it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use picnik.com to put it all together.

Introducing Crown Prosecutor's debut album Bits of a Star Gone Wrong

I've seen these instructions online before, but this is the first time I've put together the album cover.  It's just a bit of fun on the internet which appeals to my Photoshop skills.  Okay, the above picture doesn't take much in the way of photoshop skills, but it at least was a reason to open up the program and play.

Sometimes you just need to get off the net

I did work on Thanksgiving ... I just didn't accomplish anything other than my modified-NaNo goal.  Which reminds me:

13,843 / 20,000 words

Yep. I'm not going to make it to 50k this month.  But I tried and I like my project and I like the process so I don't want to give up, I want to keep making progress.  Thus the modified goal.  And along with the modified goal, the promise that I'm going to write 75k between December 21 and January 31.  There's just too much that I have to do as a composition instructor and as an overloaded grad student before December 21 for me to sit down and crank out that additional 30k this month.  I knew it was going to be a long shot when I started, but like I said, I like the spirit of the thing.

This makes me 1 for 3 on attempted NaNo's completed.  Then again, next semester I think I might have to do four NaNo-style months in a row all things considered ... but that doesn't bear more discussion at the present moment.

So I spent all this time on Thanksgiving -- between the turkey and the application writing and the writing -- reading about writers using social media. Particularly Kristen Lamb's blog.  And so I changed my twitter account from @SpeakCoffee to @EileenWiedbrauk and I tinkered with a bunch of other stuff.  In general, I spent way too much time thinking and reading about this stuff.  Yes it does feel "too early," but really I'd rather know this stuff too early than too late.  Yes, I chalk all of it up to "professional development and education," but it still can feel like a waste of an evening.

I also consider scouting the bookstore (using my new Odyssey workshop taught bookshop-scouting-skills-for-understanding-the-market) to be a professional development and education activity ... and yet somehow that seems to be more productive than exploring and teaching myself new forms of social media.  Perhaps because learning social media doesn't directly relate to writing and publishing.  Yes, it's a marketing thing.  But I don't think I'm one of the people who grows pale at the mere mention of "marketing."

I'm an okay public speaker.  I get up in front of a score of students and speak for my regular pay check.  I've done public readings of my own work--the largest crowd was probably at the Kenyon Review Writers Workshop and about 80 people--and I know I can do that.  I, if the need arises, can make twenty minutes of conversation with a complete stranger even if they say almost nothing (this is not a desirable situation, but hey, it's better than complete silence). I blog, I have facebook, I like computers.  ... I think my aversion to writerly-social-media-platform-building activities is based in humility.

Having a facebook "fan" page does not mean that you'll (a) finish a novel, (b) sell a novel, (c) ever have anyone read your novel and "like" your official facebook author page.  Yet there's advice out there that says someone in my position (that is, doesn't have a novel out on submission but is working on one and would like to have it published someday) should have a facebook page already.  As in Page not just Profile.  And that just strikes me as ... hubris.  Or at least vanity.

I completely believe the behave as if you're going to succeed mantra, because of course if you behave as if you're going to fail then success is nigh impossible.  But while I believe in the power of positive thinking, I also believe that while occasionally tempting fate might work, baiting her with a giant ham bone will come to no good.

What are your thoughts and opinions on such things as writer social media personae, platforms and presences?  I understand that "getting the blog" is big in terms of discussion (as is the big discussion about how if you hate to read blogs because you find them uninteresting then you shouldn't write one because you'll only write hateful, uninteresting entries).

For me, if I stopped submitting work for publication tomorrow, I'd still blog.  I like my blog. *hugs blog*  Okay, that was a corny moment.

Stolen Memery

(from Jud)

1. What are your current obsessions? Good question. a writer should never be without an obsession. For a while it was "family story" -- you know, those stories that your family repeats again and again at the kitchen table when they get together. Lately I think it's been academic citation and how I can help/teach it in student work. It's a dull obsession.

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? flip flops -- 2 for $5 at Old Navy ... mine are gray, and navy.

3. Last dream you had? Well I know I dreamed the night before last but I guess this is my most recent remembered dream.

4. Last thing you bought? Groceries. Hello diet Dr. Pepper sale!

5. What are you listening to? Katy Perry, "I Kissed a Girl"

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be? Athena -- love that shit

7. Favorite holiday spots? um ... Disney World really is fucking-magical. Other than that every "holiday" I've ever been on has involved too much stress to be "special" that it disappointed, or felt like more work than staying home. On that note, spending a week in June at Kenyon College is pretty damn magical even if it doesn't involve dancing mice.

8. Reading right now? Dinty Moore's cultural memoir Between Panic & Desire, about to start Dennis Johnson's Jesus' Son collection of short stories.

9. Four words to describe yourself. Dreamer. Creative. Reclusive. Uppity.

10. Guilty pleasure? Slutty romance novels and "Rock of Love" (and other bad reality TV like "The Bachlorette") although in searching out that link I just discovered that I had missed yet another season of "Rock of Love" so maybe I'm not as addicted to bad pop culture as I thought.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? Things that truly startle me. The things that really make me laugh aloud are those which take me by surprise.

12. Favorite spring thing to do? Reading novels. Wait ... maybe sitting with a purring kitten.

13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral? I want them to tell funny stories about our times together.

14. Last thing you drank? White wine to go with my cheap dinner.

15. When did you last go for a night out? Well I've been out to bars and house parties in the past few months, but I think the last time I seriously took on the night life scene was last Memorial Day weekend in Fort Worth, Texas. Yes ma'am, Rochelle that was all your doing. You will be missed at this Year's MDW.

16. What album did you get a copy of most recently? Album? As in the physical item? I haven't bought one of those in a long time. I was checking out 90s alternative music from the library last summer and ripping it to my hard drive. Dishwalla, Stone Temple Pilots and Oasis ("don't look back in anger" is fucking sweet even now). The last full album I downloaded was Collective Soul's Afterwards. That said, I picked up some sweet (then) free music from AG Silver -- worth checking out if you're into the new scene of alternative music, especially "Now or Never." Can you tell I have a certain passion for music? Maybe I should be looking into radio station internships.

17. Care to share some wisdom? Don't eat yellow snow.

I feel like if I saw a memoir with the above as a title I would buy it without reading the back cover.

18. Song you can’t get out of your head? "Ocean" by Blue October.

19. Thing you are looking forward to? MDW with my sorority sisters, Kenyon Workshop, finishing a novel.

20. Which disease or condition would you most like to see eradicated? Cancer. That covers a lot of bases.

21. What is your most irrational fear? being shot

22. Who are your favorite comedians? Stephen Colbert, John Stewart.

23. Name a "social grace" pet peeve of yours: When someone says "How ya doing?" and they really mean "Hello" -- I stop to answer the question and they've already moved on. Grrr.

Rules of the game. Respond and rework. Answer questions on your own blog. Replace one question. Add one question. Tag 6 people.

Consider yourself tagged: Aquarius, Margosita, Jolie, JES, Kat, Tonya.

4 x 4

from Finicky and Aquarius

Instructions:

1. Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder
3. Explain the picture

This is taken from my bedroom window this past August. As they were finishing up the apartments across the way they would unload a series of appliances (in this case standing washer/dryer combos) and line them up on the pavement before unwrapping and carting them off to their destinations. I got to see a series of washer/dryers, dishwashers and ovens. The microwaves they just stacked in a pile and were not nearly as photo-worthy.

Tag You're It

(from Tanya)

What were you doing five years ago?

1. Dating a nice guy even though I knew at this point that it wasn't going anywhere
2. Moving into the sorority for the first time

3. Hating my job (IT)

4. Wondering about transferring back home to the UofM

5. Thinking I was, in general, the shit

What are five things on your list for today?

1. Get Christmas cards in the mail (seriously)

2. Do that pesky teaching/text book survey

3. Print out copies of short stories/novel before my printing money expires for the semester

4. Get more kitty litter

5. Read The List.

What are five snacks that I enjoy?

1. Hummus (always)

2. Pizza rolls

3. Does tea count as a snack if you have it five times a day?

4. Chocolate, in any form

5. Popcorn

What are five things that you'd do if you were a billionaire?

1. Pay off my debt

2. Live someplace nicer

3. Buy my parents houses

4. Donate to my alma mater, because there should be a building in my name, j/k

5. Travel

What are five jobs that you've had?
1. Writing Instructor

2. Substitute High School Secretary/book depository gate tender
3. Coffee Shop Barista

4. Sales Associate @ Express

5. IT Associate at Alumni Relations

Who are five people that you want to tag?

1. Aquarius
2. Jud

3. El Johno

4. Paralith

5. Finicky (as Margosita already got tagged, it seems only fair)

The Beard Off

Just so you don't think grad school and novel writing is all work and pain, I give you the men of Western Michigan University's on campus Writing Center in The WMU Beard Off.

Would you want to know?

Nathan Bransford is his neverending way of winning readers and sparking controversy asked the following hypothetical on Wednesday:

Question #1: Let's say there was a seer who could tell you definitively whether or not you have the talent to be a published writer. Absolute 100% accuracy. But. If the seer person said no, that's that. Final answer. Would you want to know?

Question #2: If the seer person said no, you don't have the talent to be a published writer, would you still write?

#1: Jesus, yes I'd want to know! Do you know how much time and effort, and trees I could save right now if I knew the answer was no?

#2: Duh! Of course I would still write! I might stratch my head at the logic of entering an MFA at the moment, but I would keep writing.

I'd keep doing NaNoWriMo and like most of the other participants I would never in a million years expect anything more out of the experience than my entertainment and perhaps the entertainment of a few friends. My father plays guitar and those are roughly his expectations of his musical ability.

I would have to, of course, rethink my career. Teaching positions don't come to people who haven't been published as that outside stamp of approval is required by academia but perhaps I could run a writer's retreat. That could be fun.

Then agin, the comment I left on Nathan's blog was that if I would never be published that I'd like to know ASAP so that I could start working on my trophy-wife body. See, if I had to write merely for pleasure I'd need income. And maybe convincing some poor rich shmuck to provide for me while I spent his money could satisfy the part of my brain that, by nature, wants to create character and drama. Hmm... possibilities ... LOL!

Margosita also answered this question in her blog.

Stolen, Stolen, Stolen

Stolen, Stolen ...

Loneliness: the state of imagining there is no one out there with whom you can connect

Traffic: Conceptually impossible. In theory, anything that wants to move should be in movement so why are those things, which are willfully acting upon a desire, not moving?

Chaos: An almost grown German Shepard that lives with my relations and does not respond to to sit or stay but phrases like what do you do?

Burp: That thing which I do not do. Seriously. I make a noise and people think it's a sneeze. I am happy to let them assume as much.

500: Miles. And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more just to be the man that walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door ...

Movie: magic

Coma: tose

Bark: health food

Stare: if this is a contest I lose instantly. I've never cared for that game.

Angelina: proof that I'm not the only woman condemmed to have twins should I wind up preggers -- How does 21 sets of twins and 1 set of triplets in three generations sound to you Angelina? Sounds like I'm screwed frankly.

Why Do You Blog?

Not long ago I came across this post at the BookEnds Literary Agency blog asking why do you blog?

The agent writing the blog went through all the reasons. The professional reasons, the reasons she states to friends, to coworkers, and finally, the reasons she admits only to herself. (And now has admitted to the world.)

So why do you blog? Do you blog for yourself? For work? For money? Prestige? Clout? A place to vent? Personal vanity? Are you screaming into the void? Are you out to change the world one post at a time? Or, for lack of a better word, are you just plain bored?

Ostensibly, blogging is a means of establishing an internet presence. Something publishers refer to in questions like "What kind of platform does the author have?" It's a form of networking that doesn't involve me wearing heels and making nice with people in suits I've never met before and probably won't remember. (Can you tell I'm not a fan of networking events?)

But the reality of the situation is that I'm on the vanity wagon like most everyone else. Yes, I believe what I'm blogging about has value to individuals I've never met before (individuals who may or may not be wearing suits). But after that point? I have no idea.

Who knows how well or how poorly a blog works as a "platform." And so I continue to do it for myself and to post what I enjoy the most.

Now for the question I get the most: Do you blog for money?

Nope.

But you're runningads!

Yep. And if (if ever) those little boxes bring in a total of $100 (and not before) G00gle will cut me a check. So I'm not holding my breath that I'll see money for my blogging anytime soon. Although you could consider it the Keep SpeakCoffee Off the Street charity fund -- and I would call it that except G00gle doesn't want me to mention those little boxes on the sidebar at all. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! ... just let the masses gravitate there naturally.

Oh, and I occasionally blog just to get a chance to share really pretty pictures I've taken.

Up Next: Notes on Craft: more on writing dialog, accents and stutters

Trip to the Movies

1. What was the first movie you remember watching? Bambi. Why do all children's films prey upon children's one great fear: separation from the parent?

2. Do you cry at the movies? Dude, I cry at Kodak commercials. Remember the one where the little girl restores the picture of her grandmother pitching in the All-American Girl's League during WWII? And then goes and presents her grandmother with the photo asking "Grandma can you still throw like that?" ... I stand little chance against a sad movie with odds like these.

3. What is your favorite movie theater snack or drink? "Da pop corns a pope'in' 'n it's ... three-dee!" [Ten points if you can name that movie.]

4. Should popcorn be eaten buttered or unbuttered? The movie butter makes it soggy. Which equals sadness. But the stuff I make in the big kettle at home is best. Oil, whole white corn and kosher salt.

5. What's your favorite time to watch a movie? Right before bed. That way people don't try and talk about it and I can hang on to the feeling or discard it as I like. That's the whole reason I watch movies: to make me feel something outside myself, to share the emotion the director wanted to make me feel.

6. Have you ever made out in the movie theater? Yes. *shrugs* It's cool when you're a teenager. Not so cool once you get past that point *glares at 30-somethings down the row that have obviously not gotten that memo*

7. Do you ever go to the movies alone? I did once. I've been meaning to repeat but people keep telling me "oh yeah I'll see that with you" and then I wait for them and the film leaves the show.

8. Who's your favorite male actor? It used to be Harrison Ford but then he started aging not so gracefully. Johnny Depp is always amazing at everything he does and so is Ewan McGreggor. And Sean Connery has the world's coolest voice, he's one of the few people I can ID in 6 words or less.

9. Who's your favorite female actor? Julia Stiles.Kate Winslet is pretty cool.

10. Most overrated actor? Trevolta. (when he plays a man that is)

11. Name a film that made you cry? Recently? Finding Neverland ... then again I cry every time I see Ever After (when the father dies) or A League of Their Own which I cry three times; when the woman doesn't know if she's made the team or not because she can't read the names on the list; when the black woman throws in a great ball from way off and you realize that for all the "opportunity" that the league afforded women that there was still a long way to go; and finally, when the one woman gets the telegram in the locker room that her husband's not coming back from the war.

12. Name a film that made you scream? The Princess Bride. *Ahem* So, there I was, sitting on a couch full of teenagers, smushed in next to City Girl, and we're getting right into the part where the screaming eels are screaming, and the Sicilian is telling us that they only scream right before they feed. And the eel charges Princess Buttercup in all its early 80s special effect glory and Princess Buttercup screams! And at this moment -- this moment that City Girl has been waiting for -- she jams her hand into my side to the one spot on my rib cage that I am disastrously ticklish, and I shrieked! In perfect time with the movie. *shakes head* I have never screamed at another movie.

13. Where do you like to sit in a movie theater? Front and center.

14. Best movie soundtrack? Last of the Mohicans. Gorgeous. I need to find that CD it's around here somewhere ...

15. If you could look like any movie star, who would it be? Nicole Kidman.

16. If they made a movie of your life, who would play you? Julia Stiles? Or maybe Scarlett Johanson just to piss City Girl off. *seeks revenge for eel incident*

17. Have you ever walked out of a movie? Charlie's Angels 2

18. What movie do you never tire of seeing? Love Actually, Princess Bride, Sleepless in Seattle, French Kiss, While You Were Sleeping (saw it four times in one weekend)

Grumbling as I get on the bandwagon.

Whenever I see these things I immediately want to share my answers. Why? Because I have an unabashed belief that everyone wants to know my opinion on everything. So why am I grumbling when presented with a narcissistic activity cloaked in a veil of social acceptability? It’s the bandwagon element. I resent the bandwagon. I own a Honda, and it is my preferred mode of transportation. That said, make room because my ass is getting on the bandwagon with ya’ll.

1. Do you still have tonsils? I think so.

2. Would you bungee jump? The thought freaks me out. I’d probably think it was great fun once I jumped, I’m the kid standing at the top of the diving board for a long time gathering courage.

3. If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be? To get a beautiful little cottage house next to a speck on the map town and write in the front parlor day in and day out.

4. How many tattoos do you have? None ... but I’m still young and stupid so that could change.

5. Your favorite fictional animal? The Loch Ness Monster. I got a 'Mysteries of the World' book when I was eight and spent the next ten months obsessed with Nessie.

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? Dave. Yes, those are women's sun glasses, no, he's not gay. Who will never see this because he rejects the internet. As a college student he didn’t even have facebook. Gasp!

7. Do you consider yourself well organized? Yes, I consider myself organized. However if you saw my work room right now you’d consider me delusional.

8. Any addictions? Coffee, writing, and now, blogging. Poo on you if you hadn't already figured that out.

9. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? It used to be CNN and the Guardian Weekly. Now it's mostly NPR. The NYTimes shows up in my email inbox daily but I normally just glance at the headlines.

10. Would you rather go to a carnival or circus? Carnival! Just say no to stinky elephants.

11. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to play olympic field hockey.

12. Best movie you've seen this year? Ratatouille.

13. Favorite alcoholic drink? Red wine if someone who knows wine is picking (and buying) if not I choose Smithwicks.

14. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? List the reasons (if any exist) for me to leave my warm bed.

15. Siblings? Only child. No, I'm not spoiled. ... Okay I am, but not beyond reason.

16. *Crickets chipring.*

17. Have you ever gone to therapy? Twice I was told I had to go "or else" by someone who was not a therapist but who had power over me in some way. I went and the therapist told me in not as many words go away, I have bigger problems to deal with.

18. If you could have one super power what would it be? Ability to see the truth in people. To tell if they're lying or covering something up.

19. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? Yes! IKEA =

Furniture-Mecca

20. Have you ever gone camping? I was a girl scout. Ahem, as I am no longer a girl scout I no longer feel the need to spend the night any place that doesn't come with a shower and a hair dryer. My power went out today and I could not use my hair dryer. That is the closest I've come to camping in the past 14+ years.

21. Gas prices! First thought? I want a hybrid.

22. Your favorite cartoon character? Merriweather from Sleeping Beauty.

23. What was your first car? Dodge Dynastsy.

24. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? For religion? No. For the government to have its fingers in? Yes.

25. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons, but I'd rather Family Guy.

26. Do you go to church? Not unless I'm promised food.

27. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Socrates (see post about who I'd invite to my Tree House Club for details) Although Aquarius' suggestion of Al Gore would be great too.

28. What errand/chore do you despise? Emptying the dishwasher. I should probably be in therapy for that alone.

29. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? This beep is for the Dragon-Section. I kid you not. That's what I thought my alarm clock was designating.

30. Last time you puked from drinking? October. It was closely followed by a vow never again to party with those people.

31. What is your heritage? German, Polish, English, Irish, French-Canadian (which is a different culture than French, don't try to lump them together like my idiot teacher in 7th grade)

32. Favourite flower? Lilacs, but mostly Lavender. I was in southern France when the Lavender fields were blooming. Amazing.

33. Disney or Warner Bros? Disney. What little girl didn't want to be one of their princesses?

34. What is your best childhood memory? Making Bisquick cinnamon rolls with my father on Saturday mornings.

35. Your favorite potato chip? Terra Chips. They make them of things like sweet potatoes, parsnips, yuka, ruby taro, taro, batata. WTF is a batata? I don't know, but it tastes good.

36. What is your favorite candy? Skittles.

37. What is your astrological sign? Capricorn.

39. Do you own a gun? There is no good reason on this earth for me to own a gun. Maybe if it was a hobby to collect them, or if I hunted deer. I do neither.

40. What do you think of hot dogs? Try an all-beef kosher hot dog. So much better than the normal kind. Even better if it comes from the concession stand.