Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The bitch in the bridal boutique

Here's a little story from this past weekend., typed as I rewatch back episodes of Covert Affairs from USA.

My friend asked me to be her maid of honor. She's the most low maintenence woman I know, so of course I agreed. We found her dress in December. My dress? I tried on a few in December. But all I remember from back then was being tired from hours at the store. Oh, and I remember feeling fat.

I decided that if I could lose weight on my own ... well six weeks and two pounds later I joined Jenny Craig. On their program I've lost 23 lbs. in three months. Thumbs up.

So 23 lbs. ligther and almost two dress sizes smaller, we went dress shopping again. Beforehand, we'd looked at all these dresses online. Dessy group seemed to be the best. Seemed. Ooh, here's a pretty dress. But you can't buy them online. You have to go to local bridal boutiques. And even if you could buy them online you'd want to try them on right? Right? Wrong. You'd try them on and you'd realize, hey this dress could work. It is not puke-on-a-stick. I would consent to being photographed in this dress. And then you would say: Okay, friend of mine, I will conscent to wear this during your wedding in the color of your choice since you're being gracious enough to offer me a choice of cut and design. And then you will talk to the bridal boutique attendant, and she will ruin your day.

You have a list of questions and concerns.  You have a specific situation that you're hoping the overpriced boutique will be specially able to cater to.  You will be told to shove it, but you don't know that yet.  You should know it from over hearing other people ask the attendants questions and listening to their replies.

Question: Have you had lots of requests for long sleeves because of Kate Middleton's dress?
Answer: Most wedding dresses are sleeveless, strapless gowns.
How is that answer even related to the question?  It isn't, and it's just a conversational question. It's not like they're challenging the stock the boutique carries or the attendant's taste.  And yet, the response is a non-response.  WTF is up with that?  Can't they answer the question?  Are people or aren't people asking about sleeves since Kate Middleton married Prince William?

Yet you proceed, thinking they will help you with your special situation.  You explain that you are undergoing a life transformation, aka a weight loss program.  That you've lost 25 lbs in three months and that you will be much smaller by your friend's October wedding and you're not certain how small.  You expect the bridal boutique attendant to understand that this is not something you're undergoing for your friend's wedding, but to better your life.  You expect the bridal boutique attendant to give you options, to weigh the pros and cons with you. To talk about the realities of dress ordering.

Instead the bridal boutique bitch tells you that you should have already ordered a dress if you want it for an October wedding.  That if you don't order it by May 19, they will have to add on a $60 rush charge and it will  take three months instead of four to get there.  That four months is not nearly enough time for the tailoring she expects you to do.

Four months? A Project Runway contestant pounds out a dress in 10 hours.  You're telling me your sweatshop in Asia can't?  It's an already designed dress made entirely of synthetic materials.  It's not like we have to wait for the worms to spin silk.  Nor is the weather affecting the cotton crop--it's just a gauzy version of polyester.  What kind of crack are these boutiques on?

Actually, I'm being too harsh.  You don't think of the sales chick as the boutique bitch . . . yet.  She's still the attendant.  The fact that she believes you will want to pay $70 to tailor a dress that costs $165 off the rack  makes her a capitalist, not a bitch.  So far.

But if I can walk into fucking Macy's and buy an $80 dress that fits beautifully, then I see no reason to indulge in price gouging--let alone tailoring fees--just because I'm supposed to dress in the same color as two other women who'll also carry flowers.

Still, I remain calm.  Until ...

Until I tell the bridal boutique attendant that I've lost 25 lbs and that I'll likely lose another 25 lbs before my friend's wedding because of my weight loss program.  I don't plug Jenny Craig to her by name because I felt that would be tacky.  Then the bridal boutique bitch says to me, "Well, if you feel confident in your program then we can order you the size down."


I've lost two dress sizes in three months.  You think that I have to be fucking "confident" that I'll go down just one more size in the next five months?

See this commission?  Wanna kiss it goodbye? Because it's gone.

That night while falling asleep I indulged in a bunch of mental eye rolling about how the skinny bitch has never gone up or down more than a size at a time and does not understand what it means to join the mother-f'ing-program.

You join the program. You pay the money. You get the results. Because if you don't get the results, you get to watch your money fly away on the wings you made for it.  Very good motivator.  And the program makes it easy to make your money work, not fly.

Anyway.  At the bridal boutique, my friend also tried on veils and tiaras.  The tiaras were atrocious.  Giant monstrous creations.  If you've always been a flowers and crowns kinda girl then maybe these would not be so bad. But this would be my friend's first tiara.  And since she's not marrying Prince William, she really shouldn't wear the things in the case.  (Although I'm certain Kate Middleton would have found the things in the case tacky even if she was marrying a commoner.)  Anyway.  My friend found a veil she loved which cost as much as her dress.  And we decided that she could not buy a veil for that price because you can't even wear a veil out in public on its own without being arrested and therefore you should not spend that much money on it.

"Hey," my friend said.  "What if we go to David's Bridal and see what tiaras and veils they have there?"

Long story shortened: we found a veil, a tiara and a brides maid's dress that we liked.  The people were also much more reasonable and much less bitchy.  And they'll get us our dress in (most likely) six weeks, not four fucking months.  So I've got more time to figure things out before I order.  And no boutique bitch to impede the process.

Highly Recommended