(10) Weak hand shakers. Particularly people who don't actually grasp your hand, but sort of press your hand between their thumb and first few fingers. That's not a handshake, people, that's how you pick up a sandwich.
(9) Women who wear leggings as pants. They are not pants any more than panyhose are pants. Cover your crotch with an additional garment. See yesterday's post about the jegging for more more clarification.
(8) Men with excessive chest hair who go jogging shirtless. For you, I have one word: manscaping.
(7) People who ask what you're going to do with your degree. I'm willing to cut some slack to those who ask "What are you planning to do after graduation?" It's the ones who phrase it, "And what do you think you'll do with an English degree?" that I want to smack.
(6) Walking down the isle to Pacobel's Cannon. As "classy" as classical music is, and as "original" as you think you are to not walk down the isle to the Wedding March, you are still bordering on pretentious. Then again, not everyone can be as cool as these people:
(5) Close talkers and strangers who hug. If you grew up in Europe, maybe I'll cut you some slack, but otherwise, if I have to lean away from you to feel like we can have a conversation without necking, then I don't want to have a conversation with you, period. Also, I don't like hugging strangers. Awkward. If I hug, it's because I care about you. If I just met you, get the fuck out of my personal space.
(4) Overgrown toenails. And/or nasty toenails which are put on display via open toed shoes or sandals. If you're a dude, trim the nails down. There is no reason your toenail should be way, way out there overhanging your toe. Same goes for women. Except for women I'd like to add an extra step: if the world can see your toes, the toenails should be painted. Even if it's just a light shade, even if it's slightly chipped. It's amazing how much less gross you'll look for this small effort.
(3) People who, when speaking aloud, pronounce the letters OMG. "Oh-em-gee, guys!" Gag me. Come on peeps, it stands for Oh My God! Know that before you exclaim! Unless you're doing it for comic effect --which can be pretty hillarious, I admit-- just say the damn words. It won't take you any longer than pronouncing the letters.
(2) When the officiant at a wedding announces the new couple as something like Mr. and Mrs. Jacob Drundle. Take your husband's last name or don't -- I really don't care if you want to go through the hassle / paperwork nightmare of legally changing your name -- but for crying out loud, Mrs. Jacob? Five minutes ago that woman had a first name -- her own first name -- there was absolutely no need to make her borrow her husband's. You two may now be a couple in every respect that matters to the social, religious and governmental powers that be, but you are still two people. Your husband does not absorb you into his being when you say 'I do.' So, no. No, she's not chattel. She is not of Mr. Jacob Drundle; she is his partner. So do us all a favor, and announce the couple as Mr. and Mrs. Drundle.
(1) Graffiti (or bumperstickers) that say "Jesus Saves." There's proabably 30 miles of US-23 in Michigan where someone has spray painted "Jesus Saves" on a concrete pylon of each overpass. I also once got stuck behind a semi where someone had written the phrase in the dirt on the back of the truck. I have no problem with the expression of religious sentiment in this regard, what I take issue with is that "saves," in this usage, is a transitive verb and it needs to take a frickin object! Give Jesus something to save -- don't leave him hanging! Unless Jesus is in goal for the Red Wings, he can't just "save." The verb does not work like that, people! Jesus can misuse grammar however he likes, but you have no such excuse.
Meanwhile. I've still got that song stuck in my head.