(fiction; continued from previous; final installation)
The only thing Scott No. 54 ever won was the draft lottery.
He decided to be proactive about his bad luck and take classes at the local junior college to postpone his patriotic duty. Less than two years later he found himself in his original predicament as his GPA as 1.12 and he was not taking enough courses to qualify as a student.
The only classes he was passing were bowling and skiing. He was the college’s best bowler.
Ergo: he joined the air force and he learned the river of shit theory.
First: it should be explained how he joined the air force.
He intended to join the navy. His father had been navy. It made sense. He went to visit the navy recruiter. On his way out the air force recruiter stopped him. “You know the navy goes with the marines, don’t ya?”
Scott No. 54 raised an eyebrow. “Can you make me a better deal?”
And so Scott No. 54 joined the air force where he learned the river of shit theory.
Preface: Scott No. 54 did not like taking orders, listening to authority or having to go with the crowd. In general, he was a pill.
His commanding officer pulled him aside one day. “Listen, son. Life is like a river of shit.”
Aside: the military has the best metaphors when it comes to color.
“No matter what you do you’re neck deep in a river of shit. You can fight against it and eat shit the whole way or you can go with the flow. Shit doesn’t smell good but it tastes worse.”
Fact: Scott No. 54 got along quite well in the military after that.
They even offered to promote him if he stayed on another four years. Scott No. 54 politely declined.
* * *
An anonymous tip has lead to the location of Scott No.517. He was discovered residing in a small but comfortable cabin off of Lake Huron. At this location Scott No. 517 was thoroughly questioned. He claimed the decision to stay at the cabin was based on the pleasant summer weather. Pleasant so long as you don’t mind cold mornings. Which Scott No. 517 does not. He stated his intentions to remain at this cabin residence through deer season.
We find ourselves sadly disappointed with his lack of grandeur. And most notably with his inability to answer our questions. He did however make reference to a Scott No. 518 with whom conversation may prove fruitful.
The existence of a Scott No. 518 was previously unrecorded and operations are underway to verify said existence. His status and story are currently unknown. A search to determine his location is underway.