I was asked to "write a eulogy" for a class on lyricism. There was no instruction or restriction as to who or what we eulogized and after tossing around serious ideas and funny ideas and, well, all other ideas, I ended up writing the following:
Before we go any further, I would like to raise my glass and pay my respects to our dearly departed friend.
He was a good soul. Kind to strangers and patient to a fault. I’ve spent countless hours with him, and on our many adventures he never failed to entertain. He will always live on in our memoires: his pale pink complexion and upturned nose, his bow tie and tiny blue jacket, his unforgettable way of stuttering “th-th-that’s all folks.”
Let that stutter be a lesson to us all. Our dear friend’s condition never got better and yet he persevered. He didn’t let his speech impediment get him down; he was never upset by his trouble pronouncing even the most common of words or phrases. If he was smiling when he stuttered he continued smiling, and if he was beet-faced and livid as hell he didn’t let the stutter stop him from delivering one scathing retort.
That crazy duck and that conniving rabbit laid into our friend from time to time. Occasionally, he was even bested by a hound dog, but our rotund friend always recovered. The next time we saw him he was right as rain, ready to embark on a relaxing vacation. And, oh, what vacation stories he had!
Please bow your heads and take a moment to pray for the soul of our dear friend, Porky. And as we invoke the Lord’s name, to ask Him: O Lord, bless this, your bounty, which we are about to receive. It has been lovingly prepared and beautifully arranged. And, I must agree with Elmer when I say that I have never seen a pork supper to rival the one now before us.