(fiction; continued from previous)
“Sorry,” the woman [she is generic] apologized, “I gotta fix your tie.”
“Aw, that’s alright—”
“You look really sharp.”
“Seriously?” Scott No. 339 stopped dancing so that she could straighten his tie. He sounded shocked.
The woman’s hands [she is afraid of being generic] touched the silk and the action felt so caring, so domestic that her hand stopped moving. She gave a half hearted tug so that she didn’t appear a complete nutcase [she is afraid of being the generic little wife] and waited for her sanity to return. She didn’t know how long it would take for it to come back as it had taken off at a pretty good sprint when she realized what she had been doing.
“I went down into the costume shop to see what I could dig up.” [He needed help.]
She laughed. “You got this out of the costume shop? Out of that dingy room in the basement came something this nice?”
“This is far nicer than anything I actually own. So I just take things from there.” [He needed help but generally refused it.]
“So every morning you roll out of bed and go get dressed in the costume shop?” [He needed help to be normal but generally refused it.]
He furrowed his brow. She just laughed at him.
“Are we going to dance?” Scott No. 339 held his hand up and they continued.
* * *
Scott No. 331 always took his coffee black. This was true when he was at an all night diner where the coffee was always greasy and slightly weaker than coffee should be.
Scott No. 331 always took his coffee with creamer. One scalloped packet of half n half per cup filled. This was true when he was at a greasy spoon which was not an all night diner where the coffee was only mildly greasy and often a smidge stronger than coffee should be.
Scott No. 331 always added flavored powdered non-dairy creamer to his coffee before toping it off with 2% milk. This was true when he was at work pouring coffee that was too strong from a pot that had not been washed in recent memory but still made the coffee taste like soap.
Scott No. 331 never took his coffee from Starbucks. He did not believe that sugar or other fluffy shit should be added to coffee. Nor did he believe that having someone dress his coffee up in frills and lace is a reason to spend three to five times the daily wage of the average Indian worker.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Whereabouts of Scott No. 517 -- Installation Seven
(fiction, continuted from previous)
The Poplar Valley Historical Reenactment Society is sponsoring a Civil War Reenactment featuring musket firing, wound bandaging, cannon loading, army cooking, 19th century surgery and long distance marching. No two tasks will be demonstrated concurrently. Among the four volunteers—Scott No.71, Scott No. 72, Scott No. 73, and Scott No. 74—three will each demonstrate exactly two tasks. The demonstrations must occur in accordance with the following conditions:
∙Scott No. 71 demonstrates exactly one task before Scott No. 72 demonstrates any of the tasks.
∙Scott No. 71 performs neither the first nor the last demonstration.
∙Scott No. 72 demonstrates neither musket firing nor wound bandaging.
∙Scott No. 73 will not participate in any demonstration unless the event’s title is changed from “Civil War Reenactment” to “The War of Northern Aggression Reenactment.”
∙Scott No. 74 demonstrates neither musket firing nor 19th century surgery.
∙Wound bandaging is the next task demonstrated after 19th century surgery is demonstrated.
Question: Which one of the following must be true?
(A) Scott No. 71 demonstrates musket firing.
(B) Scott No. 74 demonstrates long distance marching.
(C) Scott No. 74 demonstrates cannon loading.
(D) Scott No. 72 is lactose intolerant.
(E) Scott No. 71 demonstrates wound bandaging.
* * *
Scott No. 111 went deaf from playing music too loudly. Now his actions resemble that of his cat, Monty. White cats with blue eyes are genetically predisposed to deafness. Monty was afraid of nothing. When other cats would have cowered from the vacuum Monty would stalk it. Attack it. And try very hard to sit on top of it while it was still running.
One day before he went deaf, Scott No. 111 was practicing with an oboist he was to accompany later that week. Suddenly the oboist burst out laughing. Scott No. 111 turned around to see Monty watching the shaking oboist.
“He just …” she stopped to laugh. “He just stuck his nose up my oboe.”
* * *
Correct answer: (A) Scott No. 71 demonstrates musket firing.
* * *
Scott No. 514’s claim to fame was his attendance of the fifth international philatelic exhibition, 1956. He was nine years old when his father took him to the New York Coliseum just for that purpose. His dad got him the stamps commemorating the occasion which was the logical thing to do if you spent a whole day showing a boy stamps and telling him stories about them.
When he was sixteen his father handed him the collection he had been working on for over twenty years and told Scott No. 514 that it was now his. His father’s only request was that it not be sold while he was still living. He remembered his father smelling of cigars that day. Whenever he smelled cigars he thought of his father. Or perhaps it was that cigars smelled like his father. He didn’t understand how association worked so he figured it could go either way.
His father died at age 59. Heart attack. Hadn’t taken care of himself. That year was the 32nd international philatelic exhibition.
The Poplar Valley Historical Reenactment Society is sponsoring a Civil War Reenactment featuring musket firing, wound bandaging, cannon loading, army cooking, 19th century surgery and long distance marching. No two tasks will be demonstrated concurrently. Among the four volunteers—Scott No.71, Scott No. 72, Scott No. 73, and Scott No. 74—three will each demonstrate exactly two tasks. The demonstrations must occur in accordance with the following conditions:
∙Scott No. 71 demonstrates exactly one task before Scott No. 72 demonstrates any of the tasks.
∙Scott No. 71 performs neither the first nor the last demonstration.
∙Scott No. 72 demonstrates neither musket firing nor wound bandaging.
∙Scott No. 73 will not participate in any demonstration unless the event’s title is changed from “Civil War Reenactment” to “The War of Northern Aggression Reenactment.”
∙Scott No. 74 demonstrates neither musket firing nor 19th century surgery.
∙Wound bandaging is the next task demonstrated after 19th century surgery is demonstrated.
Question: Which one of the following must be true?
(A) Scott No. 71 demonstrates musket firing.
(B) Scott No. 74 demonstrates long distance marching.
(C) Scott No. 74 demonstrates cannon loading.
(D) Scott No. 72 is lactose intolerant.
(E) Scott No. 71 demonstrates wound bandaging.
* * *
Scott No. 111 went deaf from playing music too loudly. Now his actions resemble that of his cat, Monty. White cats with blue eyes are genetically predisposed to deafness. Monty was afraid of nothing. When other cats would have cowered from the vacuum Monty would stalk it. Attack it. And try very hard to sit on top of it while it was still running.
One day before he went deaf, Scott No. 111 was practicing with an oboist he was to accompany later that week. Suddenly the oboist burst out laughing. Scott No. 111 turned around to see Monty watching the shaking oboist.
“He just …” she stopped to laugh. “He just stuck his nose up my oboe.”
* * *
Correct answer: (A) Scott No. 71 demonstrates musket firing.
* * *
Scott No. 514’s claim to fame was his attendance of the fifth international philatelic exhibition, 1956. He was nine years old when his father took him to the New York Coliseum just for that purpose. His dad got him the stamps commemorating the occasion which was the logical thing to do if you spent a whole day showing a boy stamps and telling him stories about them.
When he was sixteen his father handed him the collection he had been working on for over twenty years and told Scott No. 514 that it was now his. His father’s only request was that it not be sold while he was still living. He remembered his father smelling of cigars that day. Whenever he smelled cigars he thought of his father. Or perhaps it was that cigars smelled like his father. He didn’t understand how association worked so he figured it could go either way.
His father died at age 59. Heart attack. Hadn’t taken care of himself. That year was the 32nd international philatelic exhibition.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Whereabouts of Scott No. 517 -- Installation Six
(fiction, continuted from previous)
Scott No. 357 was once lost by his father in a department store. A Montgomery Ward. His father had Scott No. 357’s hand held in his left and his daughter’s hand held in his right the entire time they were in the store. His father stopped to pay for new speakers at the counter. He let go of both children to take out his wallet. His daughter remained close by looking at the shiny things in the showcase. He turned around to find Scott No. 357 had disappeared. He started running around the store looking for Scott No. 357 and was about to go to manager when he turned to see a little boy with an elderly couple. Scott No. 357 was as happy as could be. He was talking to the couple who were telling him jokes and the little old lady was feeding him hard candy out of her purse. Right as his father spotted him the little old lady turned around and asked “does anybody know where this child belongs?”
* * *
Scott No. 479’s girlfriend left him yesterday. She left angry. But she did not leave without revenge. Fully meditated revenge. Pee on his bed? Too great a chance of everyone finding out. Pee on his tooth brush? Too likely that he might figure it out. Take his tooth brush and swish it around in the toilet bowl a few times before putting it back in its holder and leaving? Perfect.
When life shit on Scott No. 479 he consulted a combination of Ben Folds and Poison lyrics. Neither Ben nor the 80s hair band told him to buy a new tooth brush.
Scott No. 357 was once lost by his father in a department store. A Montgomery Ward. His father had Scott No. 357’s hand held in his left and his daughter’s hand held in his right the entire time they were in the store. His father stopped to pay for new speakers at the counter. He let go of both children to take out his wallet. His daughter remained close by looking at the shiny things in the showcase. He turned around to find Scott No. 357 had disappeared. He started running around the store looking for Scott No. 357 and was about to go to manager when he turned to see a little boy with an elderly couple. Scott No. 357 was as happy as could be. He was talking to the couple who were telling him jokes and the little old lady was feeding him hard candy out of her purse. Right as his father spotted him the little old lady turned around and asked “does anybody know where this child belongs?”
* * *
Scott No. 479’s girlfriend left him yesterday. She left angry. But she did not leave without revenge. Fully meditated revenge. Pee on his bed? Too great a chance of everyone finding out. Pee on his tooth brush? Too likely that he might figure it out. Take his tooth brush and swish it around in the toilet bowl a few times before putting it back in its holder and leaving? Perfect.
When life shit on Scott No. 479 he consulted a combination of Ben Folds and Poison lyrics. Neither Ben nor the 80s hair band told him to buy a new tooth brush.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The Whereabouts of Scott No. 517 -- Installation Five
Occasionally, a Scott cannot be found. He gets lost. Floats. Sometimes for mere moments. The time it takes a dust mote to pass by. Sometimes for years. The lucky ones are found on holiday in the Bahamas. The unlucky ones appear on milk cartons before they are found. The locating of some just comes easier than the locating of others. There is always a reason to keep looking.
* * *
Scott No. 479 found out that he was capable of harboring great joy and great malice simultaneously. The thought crossed Scott No. 479’s mind that perhaps harboring both these emotions at once was not healthy. Or at least not something that a normal, well adjusted adult should do.
Scott No. 479 didn’t trust himself to speak so he just nodded. Nodded. Tried to keep eye contact and rubbed his hands together as a means of keeping himself from grinning like a fool. He had an image of a miniature Scott No. 479 inside his head doing a jig complete with dancing and chanting along the lines of “She’s gone! She’s gone! She’s really gone! The Twit from work is really gone!” After which the miniature Scott No. 479 broke into the running man complete with “booya” noises.
The Twit was speaking over the shouting and dancing inside Scott No. 479’s head. “As it turns out, I’m resigning. But they’re going to hire someone on for my position because you have that project coming up that you’ll need help with.”
The miniature Scott No. 479 stopped in mid washing-machine to point and yell indignantly. “I don’t need help with that project. I barely needed your help with this project. The answer is no, you turd, no, they won’t hire someone to help me; they’ll hire someone so that I can train them to take my job when I graduate. As I was supposed to be training you before you proved untrainable. Turd.” The miniature Scott No. 479 seriously considered spitting but thought better of it as he wasn’t sure he could do it without embarrassing himself.
“So I wish you well with that.” The Twit’s voice went up at the end as if she was asking Scott No. 479 some sort of question as if there was some sort of appropriate response he could give her.
“Screw that,” was the response from the miniature Scott No. 479. “Too bad you didn’t wish me well while you were still working here. Maybe that way I wouldn’t have had to do your shit as well as mine so that we would make the deadline.”
Scott No. 479 decided that he did not give a flying rat’s ass as to whether or not he was well adjusted so long as it didn’t effect his current part time employment, his GPA or his golf swing. Scott No. 479 made a mental note to learn to play golf in order to measure the latter of those three indicators.
For the first time in this conversation Scott No. 479 opened his mouth to speak. “So I guess I’ll see you around campus.”
* * *
Scott No. 479 found out that he was capable of harboring great joy and great malice simultaneously. The thought crossed Scott No. 479’s mind that perhaps harboring both these emotions at once was not healthy. Or at least not something that a normal, well adjusted adult should do.
Scott No. 479 didn’t trust himself to speak so he just nodded. Nodded. Tried to keep eye contact and rubbed his hands together as a means of keeping himself from grinning like a fool. He had an image of a miniature Scott No. 479 inside his head doing a jig complete with dancing and chanting along the lines of “She’s gone! She’s gone! She’s really gone! The Twit from work is really gone!” After which the miniature Scott No. 479 broke into the running man complete with “booya” noises.
The Twit was speaking over the shouting and dancing inside Scott No. 479’s head. “As it turns out, I’m resigning. But they’re going to hire someone on for my position because you have that project coming up that you’ll need help with.”
The miniature Scott No. 479 stopped in mid washing-machine to point and yell indignantly. “I don’t need help with that project. I barely needed your help with this project. The answer is no, you turd, no, they won’t hire someone to help me; they’ll hire someone so that I can train them to take my job when I graduate. As I was supposed to be training you before you proved untrainable. Turd.” The miniature Scott No. 479 seriously considered spitting but thought better of it as he wasn’t sure he could do it without embarrassing himself.
“So I wish you well with that.” The Twit’s voice went up at the end as if she was asking Scott No. 479 some sort of question as if there was some sort of appropriate response he could give her.
“Screw that,” was the response from the miniature Scott No. 479. “Too bad you didn’t wish me well while you were still working here. Maybe that way I wouldn’t have had to do your shit as well as mine so that we would make the deadline.”
Scott No. 479 decided that he did not give a flying rat’s ass as to whether or not he was well adjusted so long as it didn’t effect his current part time employment, his GPA or his golf swing. Scott No. 479 made a mental note to learn to play golf in order to measure the latter of those three indicators.
For the first time in this conversation Scott No. 479 opened his mouth to speak. “So I guess I’ll see you around campus.”
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